Another Slip Up From Yours Truly

In case you haven't figured it out already, I'm accident prone. You may not be looking at me when something happens, but I always seem to mess something up. I go into a project or activity thinking that I'm doing to do something good or find out something from my "experiment", but I end up messing the whole thing up. It might be that I'm such a perfectionist, that I try too hard or.... (and this is the most likely of the two)....I just must be accident prone and have bad luck. Confused yet? I guess this entry isn't really thought-provoking like my others, but it's just an observation I've made. Take this for example:
Yesterday, I was in my room getting my things for my flute lesson. Just out of the blue, I had a wacky idea to hang my scarf from my ceiling fan and see what happens(I have these random things pop in my head all the time; that's what makes me the way I am; don't be too concerned). So, of course, I did this and (for some unknown reason)kept watching it and laughed with my brother. Then, I went to turn off my fan and my scarf got all tangled up and part of my fan broke. It was really funny, but my dad came up and said he had to go and get a new part for it so it would work again!! See, look what I got myself into. I just wanted to see what would happen if I let my scarf go around and around on my fan. Good thing I didn't hang all my scarfs on the fan like I was going to do! I really need to think before I do something! OH NO! My mom's words from when I was six are finally getting to me!

College!

sarah
Originally uploaded by kickeur77.

I know you're probably looking at the title of this entry and thinking, "College?? She's thinking about college already?" Yup, indeed I am. Most kids(at my school, anyway) haven't even thought about the concept of college yet. Right now they're just concerned about what party to go to on the weekend or when their next project is due. I guess I'm just an over-achiever!! I've been thinking about what career I want to pursue and where I would get the best education for that field since middle school. I already know what God wants me to do. I'm going to major in English Eduacation and minor in Missions(if that's possible). I'm hoping to become a missionary when I get out of college and probably go through ABWE missions agency. I've sent in for information from various colleges already and have received some very good stuff about them. I've decided that I don't want to stay too close to home, but not really far away either. I'm thinking about somewhere in this region. When I went on College Tours with my youth group, we visited Moody Bible Institute, Houghtington College, and Taylor University. I fell in love with Moody(mainly because it focuses on missions). I want to visit some other colleges, though(I sound like I'm leaving next year). I'm also interested Cedarville, Baptist Bible, Cornerstone, and Wheaton. I really liked Taylor. I just loved EVERYTHING about Moody: the location, the dorms, the classes, the people, chapel ,and especially the atmosphere. I'm just at the point where I need to find a college that will help me in both areas that I want to major and minor in. ABWE doesn't necessarily look at if you have a degree in missions; they take you with any skills that you have and work to find a location and occupation to fit them. There's my dad,too, who says that I shouldn't focus on missios too much in college because I probably will need to do something else before I go. Also, he is basically telling me that I "have to pay for my whole college tuition because my parents made me pay for mine, so I better get a job and a lot of scholarships". (He has the mind-set that I have to do everything that he did. He's finally given up on the idea that I have to go to Muskegon Community College for the first two years and then transfer to Grand Valley because that's what he did and it's less money.) So, the pressure's on once again to get the best grades and ACT/SAT scores as possible. It's bad enough that I'm a perfectionist and that I'm obsessed with getting perfect grades, but now I'm getting it from my dad! Well, I just have to keep searching and pray that God with show the college that He wants me to go to! Excuse me, but I have to go do some extra credit.

My Poem

Just a quick note: I've been working on a poem since November and it's finally finished. It goes along with what I wrote in my last blog, so PLEASE take a look!! Post your comments and let me know what ya'll think! You can read this poem, The Masquerade, and others by my friends and I at http://www.ourpoems.blogspot.com Thanks!

Change of Mind

Ok, so I logged on to this blog to write about my fun weekend and the all the details of what went on. Then, after talking to my friends and reading their blogs, I decided to touch on something that's been on my mind and heavy on my heart. I guess this whole mind-set that I have has been in the BACK of my mind, but I didn't really notice how much it's affecting me. Also, if you haven't noticed, I really like to vent and express my feelings, so here it goes:
I'm kinda sick of myself. I always try to make myself look good. I think, honestly, 98% of the time I think about how I can make ME look better than somebody or even better than I have been before!!! It's disgusting. In doing this, I come off as an outgoing, self-conscious girl who seems like she has it all together, but really doesn't. That's me right there. My closest friends see me as outgoing, but you really want to know the truth? I get nervous around people. I think I tend to be too outgoing because I want ALL the attention! I'm FINALLY realizing now, how much that probably turns people away from getting to know the true me. My closest friends can see this at times(I know they can), but even they can't see the whole me. I actually keep a lot of things inside of me and I that's a big problem. I think I want to believe that I'm a really open person, but I'm not. I'm afraid that if I reveal some things about me, people will see me as a weaker person. So, I keep everything bottled up inside and wait until I have a mental breakdown and get "depressed"(my definition of this word is different than what you're probably thinking- just not as happy as my usual self). There I go, trying to be down on myself. You know, people can see that in me, too. If they know me well enough, they can see right past my "confidence" and see that I'm too critical of myself. People have told me that!
I can't be like this! I just keep reminding myself that Christ defines who I am. He created me this way and I need to accept the life that He gave me. I think too many times I put my faith in the back of the closet and put my human viewpoint right on the center shelf. I want the world to love me and accept me, but they won't unless I put on my worldly mask. Maybe if I take the materials that are inside of me and put them all together to create a masterpiece to show everyone WHO I REALLY AM, they will accept me. Then, I won't have to put a mask on.

So Much to Do, So Little Time

That's the story of my life!!! You'd figure taking a break from cheerleading for a season would give me a little more time to get stuff done, but no. I figured that because I have one less activity, I could take on another one, Praise Band. Praise band is really not problem since it's only one day a week. The problem, is that I have to be involved. IT DRIVES ME NUTS! If I don't do one thing, I have to find something else to fill in that time space! I guess it really hasn't been THAT bad lately, but now I'm looking at the next couple of weeks until Christmas break and in my mom's words, "I'm gonna be swamped". I have probably 4 essays due between now and then (which I have not started yet) and lots of little projects to do. And I still have to finish my 550+ page book for one of those essays! Put that with all my other homework assignments and activities! WOW! Again, quoting my mom, I'd "better get crackin' ". I can't wait for Christmas break!!! I just gotta stay focused between now and then. I just have to keep reminding myself that everything will be alright and that I can't do it! I just need to find some time to breathe...and SOON!