Change of Mind

Ok, so I logged on to this blog to write about my fun weekend and the all the details of what went on. Then, after talking to my friends and reading their blogs, I decided to touch on something that's been on my mind and heavy on my heart. I guess this whole mind-set that I have has been in the BACK of my mind, but I didn't really notice how much it's affecting me. Also, if you haven't noticed, I really like to vent and express my feelings, so here it goes:
I'm kinda sick of myself. I always try to make myself look good. I think, honestly, 98% of the time I think about how I can make ME look better than somebody or even better than I have been before!!! It's disgusting. In doing this, I come off as an outgoing, self-conscious girl who seems like she has it all together, but really doesn't. That's me right there. My closest friends see me as outgoing, but you really want to know the truth? I get nervous around people. I think I tend to be too outgoing because I want ALL the attention! I'm FINALLY realizing now, how much that probably turns people away from getting to know the true me. My closest friends can see this at times(I know they can), but even they can't see the whole me. I actually keep a lot of things inside of me and I that's a big problem. I think I want to believe that I'm a really open person, but I'm not. I'm afraid that if I reveal some things about me, people will see me as a weaker person. So, I keep everything bottled up inside and wait until I have a mental breakdown and get "depressed"(my definition of this word is different than what you're probably thinking- just not as happy as my usual self). There I go, trying to be down on myself. You know, people can see that in me, too. If they know me well enough, they can see right past my "confidence" and see that I'm too critical of myself. People have told me that!
I can't be like this! I just keep reminding myself that Christ defines who I am. He created me this way and I need to accept the life that He gave me. I think too many times I put my faith in the back of the closet and put my human viewpoint right on the center shelf. I want the world to love me and accept me, but they won't unless I put on my worldly mask. Maybe if I take the materials that are inside of me and put them all together to create a masterpiece to show everyone WHO I REALLY AM, they will accept me. Then, I won't have to put a mask on.